I have a stupid blanket. Actually, I have two of them. Both of them are burgundy in colour and made of velour and fleece. They both reside on the leather couch in our room. They're stupid. Both of them.
What is a stupid blanket? you might ask. Well, a stupid blanket is a blanket that just lies there and taunts you with stupid remarks. Things like "Fluffy, you smell!" and "Fluffy, we don't like you!" Well, I don't put up with that so I hop up on the couch and teach those stupid blankets a thing or two.
"You stupid blankets!" I yell, "All you do is lay on this couch and taunt me, now I will show you who's boss!" That's when I start to dig. I dig and I dig and I dig! Then I chew! Nibblenibblenibble - I get my teeth right in there! No blanket will ever get a way with calling ME stupid!
Then I will bunch it up into a ball and then I will straighten it all out. Then I will bunch it up into another ball and then I will straighten that one out, too. Then it's back to digging. And chewing. Then I repeat the process over and over again.
Those blankets have seen better days. Both are completely riddled with holes, badges of my hard work and accomplishments. You'd think by now those blankets would have learned their lessons, but they're, well, stupid.
There is no way to measure the amount of enjoyment I get from keeping those blankets in line. The chewing, the digging, the tugging, tearing and ripping - it makes my little bum twitch, kinda like banana does. When I put those blankets in their place, I sure as heck am one tough lop. There's no messin' with me. Even mom will try to steal kisses while I am on my blanket rampage and I have to push her hand away, "Mom, quit bein' cuddly! Can't you see I'm being a big tough lop right now?"
"Yes, my little man, you certainly are one big tough lop! You get that blanket! That's right! Get it! Dig it! You tell it who's boss!"
"I'M boss! That's right! It's ME!"
Mommy says one of these days she will have to throw out my stupid blankets, when the holes get too big and I might get my head caught. But she promises that she will buy me a new one. And when she does, I will tell THAT blanket who's boss, too! Oh you just wait. This is one big tough lop who's not going to let ANY blanket get the better of him!
Fluffy - The Big Tough Lop