Sunday, July 26, 2009

Big Fat Cat

You have to look closely - right there, where the base of the fence meets the back of the garden - he's like a big, fluffy Siamese with a dark face - it's the Big Fat Cat.

He has taken to lurking in our yard much to the disapproval of Nutters, Butters, the neighbourhood birds and of course Mom. It seems the bird and squirrel feeders that were placed outside to help fill the bellies of our feathered and furry friends has also attracted the predator of those very same animals. He hides behind bushes, under lawn chairs, behind fences and is for the most part, very stealth and determined. He will sit for an eternity to scope out any possible victim he can find, studying their every move and camouflaging himself expertly amidst the environment and not disturbing the sense of security that generally fills the back yard.

But he is still a Big Fat Cat and with that comes the disadvantage of not being very fast. Oh he tries, that's for sure, but it seems the moment he moves, everyone is on to him - the birds fill the air with tweets of panic and Nutters and Butters dart up the nearest tree and screech their protest down at him. So far BFC has yet to land himself any dinner.

And of course there is Mom who, when she looks out the window, opens it up and hollers down at him, "You Big Fat Cat! Get out of this yard! That's right! I'm talking to you! Hisssssssss! Git! Git right now!!!!!" Of course, this causes all the squirrels and birds to scatter and BFC just turns his head and looks up at her with his yellow/green eyes, "Thanks Lady. How about you shut your trap so I can have me a little dinner?" he asks her. "You will have no such thing in my yard! You just mosey on outta here, you! Yes, I'm talking to YOU!" Now, it's not that Mom hates cats or anything, she likes all animals, but she certainly did not put those feeders out there to induce carnage of any sort. Besides, it's clear that BFC is getting plenty of food elsewhere.

Big Fat Cat has stared me down through the glass patio doors before but I don't pay him any mind. He's the same cat that tried to stalk Binky out in the yard last summer too. He can't get to Binky or me so for the most part I just stare back at him - then I turn and give him a good old fashioned foot flick as I hop away.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Take This Toy And Stuff It

Okay, seriously. After my last post about how much nanners mean to me, did Mom really think this new toy was a good idea? Of all things to buy, she buys me this - a stuffed banana. Not a real banana, not even a toy that tastes or smells like a banana, just a stupid, yellow, stuffed banana.

"What's this?"

"Look Fluffy! It's a stuffed banana! For my Big Tough Lop! Who likes his nanners?!"

"Um, it's not even real Mom..."

"I know, but it's a toy! See? It looks just like a real banana - with a peel and everything!"

"Can I eat it?"

"No, silly boy, it's a toy!"

*sigh* Clearly she is enjoying this silly thing more than I am. Stupid banana! I want the real thing! It is good for tossing around though. I picked it up and threw it around. If it's going to be staying, it needs to know who runs things around here. "See? Isn't it fun?!" Yeah Mom, as fun as a barrel of monkeys.

And I swear what happened the next day was not in retaliation for this ridiculous new toy. I remember sniffing Mom's sandals - I guess it could've happened innocently enough - perhaps it was a blind moment of vengeance. Mom was on her way out the door to work when she slipped her bare foot into one of her sandals - and felt something slippery and cool. She looked down to see a big brown smear up the side of her foot. She took her foot out of the shoe and sniffed it. "UGH! McFluffersons! Who left this cecal pellet IN MY SHOE?"

Okay, so I am the only one who plays with the shoes. Honestly, it must have just fallen out of my bum (ahem...) and landed there....

"AARRGGGGGG!!!!! Stinky! All over my yellow sandals!!!!" Hmmmmmm, your yellow sandals? The ones that look like bananas? What a coincidence.....

She scrubbed her sandal clean in the laundry tub and washed her foot free of the little surprise, all the while being all dramatic and gasping for air like it was the end of the world. Sheesh Mom, try eating one of those like bunnies do......

I paid my stuffed banana a visit and tossed it in the air a few times. I wonder if she got the message?